Chapter 152. Neither Dead Nor Alive

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Arc 8: I am a dead bird.

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Chen You stood on the tree, his claws numb. He was still a big black bird. He hadn’t turned into a half-man, half-bird, a goose, or a rooster. He was still a bird.

Is it missing a spell?

Chen You thought about the cartoons he had watched as a child. He spun around on the branch and raised a claw, “~Balala the fairies, transformation!”

No reaction.

Chen You pecked at the bird’s feathers. Was the spell wrong? He continued to think, and a white light flashed in his mind. This time it must be right. He used his claws to push away a leaf blown by the wind, quickly gathered his emotions, and put on a serious expression.

“~Gunala, the dark lord, woohoo, black bird body transformation!”

Still no reaction.

At this point, it was very embarrassing, really.

Chen You cried in the wind, howling at the big round cookie in the sky. If you’re going to follow the pattern, then do it properly! What’s with going along for a moment and not for next? He pecked at the branch non-stop, “444, come out.”

System, “Speak.”

Chen You said, “Why can’t I transform on a full moon night?”

System said, “You have been here for several months and have experienced the full moon night several times. When have you ever transformed? Retarded.”

Chen You said, “It was different before. This month, I got to be acknowledged by my man. We eat and drink together, sleep together, and wake up together. I’ve been nourished by love. There’s no reason why I can’t change my form.”

System said, “Then you continue to stand on the tree.”

Chen You said pitifully, “No, Old 4, where’s the back door? Can you open one for me?”

System said, “No.”

Chen You said, “I know you have it, you must have it!”

System said, “Yes, I have it, but I have so many hosts under me, why should I give it to you?”

Chen You said, “I’m the best.”

System uttered one of Chen You’s common catchphrases, “Forget it.” He used to be the most obedient, but now he’s been led astray and is becoming less and less obedient.

Chen You said, “Am I not being obedient? I haven’t caused any trouble in any of the mission worlds.”

System said, “So, you’re saying, everyone is screwing you?”

Chen You wasn’t the type to shift all the blame onto others just for his own sake, especially since that person was his husband. “That’s not the case. It takes two to tango. He and I are doing fine now. We didn’t do anything wrong.”

System, “Hah.”

Chen You, “…” Shit, suddenly sneering, it is simply sick, who is it trying to scare?

He shamelessly sang 《The Mouse Loves Rice》 to the system in his mind, over and over again, if you don’t help me, I’ll annoy you to death.

System was extremely annoyed, “Go stand at the highest position.”

The highest point? Chen You was confused for a moment, then remembered there was a building in City M. He flew and flew until he reached the top of that building. Well, this height was so high that even if he turned into a bird, he panicked.

“I’ve already reached the highest position. What then? Will a pillar of light or a bolt of black lightning appear from the sky and strike me? Will I be able to overcome the tribulation and become a human?”

System said, “Silence.”

Chen You fell silent, standing quietly on the rooftop. He was anxious. The man had said that if he didn’t obey, he would build him a cage and lock him in it. He had slipped out tonight while the man was out doing something.

Judging by the time, the man would be back soon. If he wasn’t home, it would be a disaster. The next few days would be filled with torrential rain, possibly hail, and heavy snow.

An unknown amount of time passed before Chen You began to stagger, almost falling asleep, when the system’s mechanical voice rang out, “Retarded, you can fly now.”

Chen You looked at himself. His claws were still there, his chest was still covered in fluffy black bird feathers, and the tail was still there, “Why am I still a big black bird?”

System said, “You go down first.”

Chen You did as he was told, fully expecting to transform into a beautiful young man, a beauty so outrageous, so tragic, so stunning that it would shock the heavens and earth and make the gods weep. He flapped his wings on the ground, “Why is there no follow-up?”

“I’m telling you, I’m risking my life right now, do you know? If Chang Qin returns and I haven’t, then I’m done for.”

System said, “You can fly back now.”

Chen You twitched his beak. He looked at the full moon and said, “Give me a back door, and I’ll be grateful to you forever.”

System said, “I’ve already given you two.”

Chen Yoy rolled his eyes, remembering it so clearly. “Then, including this time, I’ll remember you for three lifetimes. Don’t worry, Old 4, when I complete my mission and return to the real world, I won’t forget you either. I’ll use a brush to write your name on paper, frame it, and hang it above my bed.”

“I’ve already thought of the content, i.e, Old 4, Old 4 you’re awesome! Love you, love you, I love you.”

“……”

System had never seen anyone more witty than this one. “Complete all three side quests and I’ll give you the backdoor.”

Upon hearing this, Chen You quickly said, “Bring it.”

The next second, a screen appeared out of thin air in front of him. It was filled with thousands of side quests. It was so terrifying that his eyes hurt. He randomly selected three of them.

Chen You made a muah muah sound to the system, “Promise me that from now on, whether you have endocrine disorders or any other ailment, you’ll remember to drink plenty of water.”

System, “Roll!”

Chen You rolled, whooshing to a hidden corner and lying on his side. A few seconds later, his soul was torn out of the big black bird’s body and attached to an old man.

There are many surveillance cameras on the road, as well as many blind spots.

Old Man Chen was standing in a blind spot. He looked around and saw a car approaching from the left. He immediately jumped out and fell to the ground.

The young man in the car slammed on the brakes, his eyes wide open. Fuck! Can’t you be more professional when you’re trying to scam? I’m ten meters away from you, and you’re just lying there. Who are you trying to fool? Do you think I’m stupid?!

The car bypassed the old man and sped away.

Chen You got up from the ground and brushed off the dust on his body. Aiya, scamming people is a technical job. He backed up to the sidewalk and continued to wait for a suitable target.

After a while, a van pulled up. This time, Chen You didn’t rush out, waiting patiently. Damn it, the van was moving like a bomber, so fast that as soon as he jumped out, he was sprayed with exhaust fumes from the car.

Perfect miss, very good, great!

The passersby looked at the old man like an idiot, seeking his own death again and again.

They shook their heads, unable to sympathize or curse. They simply felt that the average age of those involved in the fraud industry had decreased, as had their intelligence.

Chen You felt bitter. He’d completed all those missions and had never been involved in scandals. He’d made friends in the real world. It was his first time, so the unfamiliarity was forgivable. But why were they all giving him a mocking look? Especially the system, which kept reminding him that his soul couldn’t be stripped for more than half an hour.

Moving to another blind spot, Chen You, using the body of a man in his sixties or seventies, rubbed his wrinkled face with his wrinkled hands, looking eagerly. Almighty Lord! Please give me a chance, and I will scam just this once.

Ten minutes later, an accident occurred at the intersection. Passersby called an ambulance and carried the collapsed elderly man onto a stretcher.

Chen You’s first mission, scamming someone, was completed.

He returned to the big black bird’s body, waiting for his second mission, and told the system, “That driver is unlucky. He’s bound to have to pay for medical expenses.” For the elderly, any bump or bruise is a big deal. Ten minutes ago, how should he put it? It could be called a scam, or not. In short, both the driver and the old man had bad luck.

System said, “It’s as it should be.”

Chen You didn’t understand, “What do you mean?”

System said, “The body you’re attached to was hit by a car while crossing the road last year. This driver was the one who caused the accident. He owed the old man some medical expenses and an apology.”

Chen You was stunned. This was really… a bit scary!

It seems people shouldn’t do immoral things. You might think God knows nothing about it, but God is keeping track of everything and may make you pay for it at any given moment.

A few minutes later, Chen You appeared as a man in his late twenties.

The man had several obvious flaws, cowardice, crying, and entanglement. On his high school graduation night, he was raped by a classmate, a painful love affair.

During college and at work, the man has always been with that person. He was so stupid that he thought he was the only one in the other person’s heart. Only a few years ago, he accidentally saw the other person hugging a young boy and kissing him.

After witnessing it with his own eyes, the man got himself drunk and cried bitterly. He made up his mind to have a face-to-face talk with the other party, wanting to hear the other party’s explanation in person.

As a result, that person came, said a few sweet words to the man, and then messed around. The man’s determination wavered again, and he even had the illusion that the other person loved him.

Facts have proven that a dog can’t stop himself from eating shit.

Less than a month later, the man was on a business trip. When he returned to his hotel, he saw that person walking into a room with a woman. He cried all night in the room. He wanted to knock on the door and confront him, but he was afraid it would become too ugly and there would be no way to resolve it.

At the beginning of this year, the man finally made up his mind to end his relationship with that person. However, the other party had an accident and broke his leg. He took care of the other person in front of the window and behind the bed, almost falling to his knees.

After the incident, that person hosted a party with his friends and came back very late, smelling of perfume and covered in lipstick stains.

The man was desperate. He told himself that he couldn’t hesitate any longer this time, so he took a leave of absence and returned home, figuring that if they didn’t see each other, the relationship would slowly fade. He also wanted to give the other party one last test.

Don’t know how that person’s parents found out about this, but they called that person. With a livid face, that person went over and took the man back to his villa, beat and scolded him, calling him despicable. Complaining to his parents saying he is a bitch. The insults were very harsh.

The man was rushed to the hospital and spent more than half a month in bed before recovering.

In a flash, he was still with that person. Ten years had passed, and he had only been left with a lot of illnesses and useless curses.

Chen You sighed. Scumbags are scumbags. Whoever loves scumbag can go ahead. Why do you have to be submissive? Is it worth the trouble?

Ai, there are many different kinds of people. Some people are truly indecisive and make decisions as if it were harder than climbing a mountain.

Chen You didn’t waste any time and rushed straight into the scumbag’s villa. That person was playing with a little beauty. Seeing him, the other party didn’t panic and continued to play.

The little beauty felt embarrassed and shrank shyly into the scumbag’s arms.

The scumbag frowned, “What are you doing here? Let’s talk tomorrow if you have anything to say. Can’t you see I’m busy?”

Busy your mom, you big scumbag! Chen You felt that compared to this person, his man was simply too good to be true. He said to the scumbag with a cold face, “Let’s break up.”

The scumbag didn’t take it seriously, “Break up, huh? Okay, I get it. Can you leave now?”

“There’s something else I’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t done with you.”

Chen You walked over, raised his arm, and slapped the scumbag, then spat at his feet, “See ya, no, never see you again. Bye.”

The scumbag was stunned, “Fuck, you’re courting death!”

Chen You dodged the incoming ashtray. He sneered, “You’ve slapped me dozens, if not a hundred, over the years. What? I can’t even hit you back once? You’re a man, and so am I. Why do you think I hit you? For you to carry on?”

The scumbag stared, speechless.

“If you don’t want to make a big deal out of this, to have it reported to your parents and known to everyone, then just end it here. I won’t appear in front of you again, and I hope you won’t appear in front of me either.”

Chen You glanced at the trembling beauty with a smile, congratulations on accepting a scumbag. Good luck!

As soon as he left, he followed the original owner’s decision and booked a plane ticket for tomorrow morning’s flight, leaving the city and starting anew.

The second task, to help those who are struggling to make a decision, was completed.

Completing two side quests so smoothly was fantastic. Chen You was already imagining himself being pressed against the wall, pinned down on the sofa, and handcuffed to the sink by Chang Qin. Just thinking about it made his blood boil.

After a while, Chen You’s final mission began.

This time, he was attached to a robber. Buddy’s apartment was rented, filled with bags of all kinds, of varying prices, styles, and age. They were all unzipped and messed up.

Chen You sighed sadly, found a large bag, and stuffed all the small bags into it, as many as he could fit. Once he was done, he hopped on the motorcycle and headed out. Following the system’s assigned address, he used the features to find each bag owner and return the bag to their rightful owner.

A young woman was walking down the street, wearing shorts. Her legs were incredibly long and straight, attracting the attention of men. As she walked, she saw a motorcycle coming towards her.

The man on the motorcycle had a fierce look on his face and a knife on his waist. She instinctively shouted, “Rob—”

A bag was put around her neck. The young woman was stunned for a long time. She took the bag off and looked at it, “Hey, isn’t this the bag I lost yesterday?”

As soon as she confirmed, the motorcycle was gone.

Chen You was exhausted. There were so many bags, and he had to return them one by one. The half-hour was almost up, and he had to return to the big black bird’s body to relax before coming out again. After a few attempts, he finally returned all the bags. Now it’s time for the gold jewelry, luckily there’s not much.

An elderly woman was pushing her granddaughter, less than six months old, out of the mall when the black smoke from a motorcycle hit her in the face. She opened her eyes and saw something golden in the stroller where her granddaughter lay. It was the necklace she had been robbed of that morning.

“Aiyo, God has opened his eyes…”

The woman excitedly held the gold necklace and spoke incoherently on the phone to her daughter on the street, but her vigilance remained unaffected.

Driving the motorcycle to the next intersection, Chen You returned a gold bracelet. He shook his head and thought that the owners of these gold jewelry were all DaMa in their forties. Why was this? Even if their sons and daughters bought these for them, they couldn’t wear them for a stroll on the street. It’s not safe.

After returning the gold jewelry, Chen You took the subway train carrying a bag and returned the phones to their owners one by one, stuffing them into back pockets, bags, and jacket pockets. He returned them the way they were stolen.

Before the subway arrived at the station, a magical scene happened, and many people had expressions of “I have been blessed by God” on their faces.

Chen You leaned to the side with his arms folded. If his cell phone was stolen and he could find it in his pocket one day, his first reaction would be that he was dreaming, and he would instinctively slap himself.

He saw at least five people do this.

Then they eagerly looked through their phone to see if the information inside was still there. Everyone in this carriage who had got their phones back was checking it, and he believed that people in other carriages were doing the same.

Chen You smacked his lips. Lucky kids, I just wanted to change into a human and accidentally helped you get your phones back.

Especially some of the new mobile phones, some of which were owned by freshmen, and some of which were bought with salary income, were stolen without anyone noticing.

The original owner’s memory showed that a buyer had been found, and the payment and the phone would be handed over tomorrow. If it was any later, it would be impossible to find it back. How lucky he was to have made it in time.

Chen You curled up the corners of his lips and smiled again, friends, ah, friends, I’m fine, you’re fine, everyone’s fine, that’s what’s really fine.

The third task, to return the stolen items to their original owners, was completed.

Chen You returned to the big black bird body. Cleverly, he flew to the villa’s garden and waited for the back door. Otherwise, he might have turned into a naked human outside. Without wings, how could he get back on his own two legs? That would be completely ridiculous.

He’s not that stupid.

“All three tasks are completed. Can you open the back door for me, Old 4? The lights in the villa are not on. My man must have gone out to look for me. When he comes back later, I will be beaten.”

System said, “It’s open.”

Chen You immediately stared at his bird body, and a miracle happened, really. His bird claws were gone, and turned into slender arms and straight legs. His bird tail was gone, and he reached back and found the butt.

The black bird feathers on his chest also disappeared, leaving behind a flat, white chest. Chen You looked down. Fortunately, everything was there, nothing missing.

“O, Ol, Old 4, I’ll be a human from now on, right?”

“No.”

“…” Chen You said, “How long can it last? Tell me everything clearly, don’t lie to me.” He remembered that the two backdoors closed after half an hour last time. Wouldn’t it be half an hour this time too?

Damn, what can he do in half an hour? It’s not even enough time for him to kiss Chang Qin.

System said, “If you don’t fool around, you will always be a human.”

Chen You said, “Playing with me.” How could he not fool around? He went through so much trouble to become a human being just to fool around.

System didn’t pay attention.

Chen You’s mood suddenly turned bad, “What if I mess around and turn back into a big black bird? Can I turn into a human again?”

“Also, when you said that if I fool around, I’ll turn back into a big black bird. Does it mean once or twice? There has to be a certain number, right? If I don’t exceed that number, I won’t turn into a bird, right?”

System said, “I only have that sentence.”

“Pray, right? Okay, needless to say, I’ll do one right away. Good night, sweet dream.”

Chen You walked to the door. The summer night wasn’t cold at all, but there were a lot of mosquitoes. He stood in a corner and was soon discovered by an army of mosquitoes surrounding him.

They must be thinking, come and see, hahahahahaha, where did this stupid c**t come from, running outside without wearing anything? We have midnight snacks and breakfast for tomorrow, eat quickly, go take a poop when you are full, and come back to continue eating.

Chen You wanted to die. After becoming a human, he lost his invisibility ability. He didn’t know whether he was dead, alive, or in between.

Anyway, he now had several large bumps on his arms, legs, chest, and back. The sound of a car engine came through the iron gate. The man had returned.

A beam of car light swept past the door, and Chang Qin in the car caught sight of a person, a strange face. He opened the door and got out, and the person ran towards him.

As they got closer, Chang Qin saw the person’s eyes. In a split second, he opened his arms and caught him firmly.

Nothing said, nothing asked.

Chen You hugged Chang Qin’s waist tightly, pressing his face against his chest. Damn it, if you haven’t come back soon, the mosquitoes here will be full to the point of bursting. 

Breathing heavily, the muscles tensed beneath the clothes, Chang Qin lowered his head, hunched his back, and held him in his arms with one hand while he grasped the back of his head with the other, pressing his lips against his eagerly and impatiently.

The two kissed passionately at the door.

The battle was so powerful that the mosquito army didn’t dare to get close and could only watch from the side.

By the time they entered the living room, Chen You’s legs had gone limp. He half-hung on Chang Qin, tugging at his black shirt, struggling with the buttons in a frantic frenzy.

I’ve been thirsty for so long, I could drink a whole tank of water.

Chang Qin kissed Chen You’s forehead, nose, lips, and ears. Deep colors swirled in his eyes, but his movements were slow, measured, and calm.

Chen You was about to cry, hurry up! Stop dawdling! I am holding my pee, so I thought about doing it first. He grabbed the man’s arm and whimpered like a little animal.

With a low chuckle, Chang Qin carried Chen You back to the bedroom and gave him a milk bath, which he soaked in all night.

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